I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about the decisions I made last year compared to the struggles I am currently facing.
When I started my job at Merrill Lynch, I knew before even submitting my resume that I would not be entering a lifelong career. However, with my internship ending and no plans of returning to Ohio, I knew I had to find a “good job” in order to be able to continue living in Mississippi.
One thing led to another and by the grace of God and a little bit of well timed networking, I got the job and for the first 6 months, things were going very well and I was happy.
When 2020 rolled around, my partner and friend at work left, leaving me and our other CA (client associate) to pick up where she left off. About a month after she left, the pandemic hit the U.S and our office shut down. We all went home for two week as we waited to see what happened. Once everyone realized how serious it was, decisions were made at the corporate level in office staffing, and being the young and healthy CA, I was considered essential, and along with my boss, was elected to become the only person allowed to work in the office for the foreseeable future.
Time goes by, this becomes the new normal, and I start to struggle with balancing all my new responsibilities alongside my existing work load. Out of 14 month spent as the primary and often only employee in my office during the pandemic, I spent 8 weeks out of office, either on vacation, sick leave, or working from home.
I got one bonus at the beginning of the pandemic, along with every other CA in our company at the time. Every request for a raise, a bonus, added vacation days, or more opportunities to work from home was denied at the corporate level. My request to delay my exams that were a part of our job requirement were denied. And eventually I stopped wanting to do the best that I could.
To be absolutely clear, my Biloxi team was amazing, and they all did their best to be understanding and supportive in their own ways and I will always be grateful for the time I spent learning from them and living life as a coworker and friend.
I am so appreciative for the experience I gained, the wonderful team I worked with in our Biloxi office (for real, I miss them all the time), and the life accomplishments I was able to afford during my time with Merrill.
But there is a big difference being essential and being appreciated, on the corporate level.
As an unmarried woman, living across the country from all family connections, doing her best trying to succeed by her own standards…I have struggled. I have wonderful people who supported me through tough decisions, and I have people who were disappointed by my actions. As one of my own character flaws, I carry an uncomfortable amount of guilt and worry about how the choices I made changed the tragectory of my life. Some months I worry about how my savings account isn’t growing. Sometimes I wonder if I can afford to buy fresh chicken at the grocery store. I crave seeing my loved ones, but recognize that I cannot afford the price of airfare or use my time off as frequently as before. There are days I worry that my age and experience make me look less than professional and competent in my position at work. I have house projects that are essential and expensive and yet I wish I could just buy pretty herbs for the garden and ignore having to choose companies to help fix my broken air conditioning.
Life is made up of choices. From what we eat for breakfast, to how we spend our free time, to what we say to the people we love. Every choice we make has a consequence, for good or bad, and we all have to live with the outcome.
All of this being said, I sometimes still struggle. I feel all emotions deeply, and I set extremely high standard for myself in all aspects of life, even though I know I cannot always reach them.
But I will always make the choices I think are best for me, even when they are hard to make, or affect others negatively. I will always strive for my own happiness, and hopefully can improve the lives of others in the process.
Do I know what I am doing? Absolutely not! But I do know that I’m doing my best, and that is enough for me today.
Thanks for reading. Have a wonderful rest of your day!
~ Kelly
Devine Perks 