Sometimes I hate being a girl. I hate the demons in my mind. I hate the pressures from society, and the pressures I put on myself. And let me tell you a little bit about why.
For the better part of the last three or four years I have maintained approximately the same weight. This of course fluctuates daily due to eating, exercise and drinking habits but over all is very similar day to day. Lately, it’s been a little higher that I would like but I haven’t been too worried about it. But then, today I glimpse myself in a video someone took of me and saw a few picture of be looking more plump than normal and I started feeling uncomfortable. Weight has always been a though kept more on the back burner of my mind. Always there but kind of simmering, rather than actively being stirred up. Two years ago, my weight dropped a good bit (nearly 20 lbs to be more precise) and I often carry that in my mind as a sort of “well I did it before, I can do it again.” And I’m reminded of the mental health journey that started around that time.
What not everyone knows is that during the time I lost those 20 pounds, I lost pieces of myself in the process. I was fresh out of a heart wrenching break up. I was working two full time jobs at about 70-80 hours a week. I was trying to stay busy outside of work so I was at the gym 5-6 days a week for an hour or two at a time. I stopped eating full meals and fought extreme nausea brought on by anxiety and exhaustion. I worked my body and mind to the brink just about daily, eventually being so exhausted that I accidentally put myself in harms way, which resulted in a shredded pickup truck and a hefty hospital bill. That was a bit of a rude awakening, and a strong reminder that I needed to come back to life.
Since then, I have been to a variety of changes. I got a full time benefited job. I bought a new car. I rented an apartment, then eventually bought a house. And then of course specifically over the last year, I’ve struggled. I became unhappy with my job and just shy of two years, I decided to leave. I have lost friends and loved ones. I am homesick often, since I am very close with my family. Since May of this year, I have been back to working two jobs, 60+ hours a week. I have a gym membership but cannot find the drive to go. I work odd hours and am rarely in the mood to cook when I get home to I eat out or eat packaged food. Now, as I said earlier, I maintain my weight (which is back up the 20lbs I lost before).
I’ve recently tried on some clothes that fit tighter than before. And I’ve seen some videos and pictures of me from other peoples perspective and I think “Dear God, is that what I look like?!?” And I feel ashamed. And then I have a day where I wear that cute outfit I like and I curl my hair and I do a little make up and someone says “Wow. You look so nice today! You did a great job in this mornings meeting.” And I’m reminded that all the pain and struggles and body dis morphia, hard work and tears, and REALLY HARD DECISIONS….. when they all led me to here. To the Kelly I am in this exact moment.
17 year old Kelly was skinnier. She was more generous. She was kinder and slower to anger. 17 year old Kelly was a lover and barely concerned about the shape and size of her body, as long as she could sing (long story about 3 months of vocal silence to share another time. She was full of so much potential. She has no idea the experiences that life had in store for her.
Well…I want to take a moment and say that life has affected me in ways that have taken many of those 17 year old me qualities and warped them. I am more jaded and worldly. I am more cautious and prone to anxiety. I have issues with my physical appearance.
But when all is said and done, I really have a lot to me grateful for. I weigh more than I should – because I love to cook and feed people and come together over a meal and shared time. I’m harder and harsher – because I’m learning to discover and developed my boundaries and limitations. I am more cautious and anxious – because I understand how my actions and ideas can shape my future and the future of those around me and I want to make as positive an impact as possible.
Mental health discussion have become a lot more prominent since the start of the pandemic. I hope that this continues to be the case. Life is not always sunshine and rainbows, nor is it thunder clouds and hurricanes. To live a fulfilled life, you have to find and define your own balance. And that might change day to day, and grow and adapt over time. My mental health journey has been wild in the last year, and an absolute roller coaster. So I look forward to what lies ahead, and hope to all that is good that I start making sure the bad moments are fleeting and the good moments are treasured.
Wishing you all a well rounded mental health journey!
Devine Perks 