I choose to life what I consider to be a full life.
Sometimes, this can be a bit self detrimental. I tend to hold myself to impossible standards that I set for myself. I have goals to achieve within certain timelines even when I don’t intentionally have them in mind. I take on the struggles and stresses of those I surround myself with. I am extremely performance driven, and I work very hard to make others proud of me rather than focusing on being proud of myself. I would rather spend my time taking care of the ones I love than taking care of myself, with the mindset of “there will be time for me later” (which is actually very rarely the case). I worry about my finances, even though I know that I am very comfortably set for a person of my age and unmarried status. More often than not, I have planned out a variety of scenarios for any sort of life event in the hopes of feeling prepared whenever that moment should arrive, in whatever form it is thrown at me. I have been through experiences in the last two years that have shattered me completely and shaken me to my core. In the not so recent past, I have pushed myself to the brink of mental failure, physical negligence, and through carelessness and pure exhaustion I had the misfortune of nearly ending my own life unintentionally.
I often get overwhelmed by the choices I make. Having FOMO (fear of missing out) is basically a character flaw at this point, and I will overload myself in order to avoid the risk of a memory or opportunity missed.
However, this weekend I watched a cherished friend marry the love of her life. And as I sat in the second row with our mutual bestie, tears streaming, unabashedly sobbing and smiling, I couldn’t help but be so grateful for how amazing my life is today. I work so very hard, to afford time off, flights and food, and hotel stays so that I never have to miss moments like that. No amount of money, acknowledgment, or perceived success can fill the memory now taken up by this weekends pure joy. I have screamed louder, laughed harder, cried more uninhibited, and enjoyed my time fully than I have in quite a long time. And it reminded me, quite clearly, of the version of myself I need to be.
I want to always be the one that shows up. The one who always answers your call. I want to be the one with advice, even if you end up following it. I want to be the one supporting your dreams, even when they are different than mine. I want to love so hard that there is never any doubt how important you are to me. I want to alway be able to share in the memories you carry the rest of your life. I want to help you fix what’s broken in your life, and I want to help you break the chains that hold you back. I will always uplift you but be fair in sharing my honest opinion rather than blind support.
I would rather spend my life with moments of exhaustion than stumble through years of hazy indifference.
Thank you for taking a moment to read this. I hope that you feel a bit closer to understanding my character and choices. See you again soon.
Devine Perks 