While I agree that it is important to not value people solely on their external appearance, I rather dislike how we’ve trained people in our culture to think “don’t tell women they are pretty. Tell them they are smart or strong or powerful.” (Mostly for women, but this goes for men too).
I worked hard for this brain, and continue trying to learn new things constantly, so thank you for seeing that hard work.
I have been doing to the gym lately, and I’ve also been through some stuff these ast few years, so my body and resolve and sense of self are definitely stronger. Thank you for encouraging that improvement.
I know that as a woman I have a lot of power in certain areas: nurturing others, creating life, smashing the patriarchy. So thank you for realizing that strength as well.
BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING!
There is NOTHING wrong with telling someone they are pretty, ESPECIALLY when you can tell they put extra effort into their day. Maybe they did their hair different, or wore a cool new outfit, or for some intangible reason you just appreciate their appearance more today, TELL THEM YOU THINK SO. Maybe don’t say “and who are you looking cute for today?” But sharing a moment of genuine appreciation.
I can’t speak for everyone, but I know there are some days where I want to feel pretty. So I put that extra 30 minutes in: picking out clothes, styling my hair, putting on make up. And while I am notorious for being awkward about compliments or cracking jokes (because I can’t always take them like the adult I try to be (insert quote about “these shoes? $5! At Goodwill!”) you better believe that your compliment chipped away at the icy build up around my shattered self confidence and might even change the outlook on my entire day.
I tell this next story all the time.
When I was in college I had a mentor who is one of the professors at the school of music where I attended. Since he was of an older generation, he almost always wear a suit and tie every day. I vividly remember one day walking past him in the hallway as I was on my way to rehearsal when I noticed he had a vivid purple patchwork tie on. I simply said in passing “That is an excellent tie.” He paused in his walk and turned to look at his reflection in the glass nearby. He said “it is, isn’t it? It’s one of my favorites, you know.” I told him that it was very eye catching and a lovely color. Since we had stopped to chat, he turned and looked at me and said “I really appreciate you saying that. I almost didn’t wear it today. But when I woke up today, I found myself in a bit of a funk and just not really feeling well. But when I saw this tie it made me smile. So I wore it, thinking it might make me smile a few more times today. Now, you are the second person to compliment me on it, and I’m finding myself to be in a much better mood as the day goes by.”
That conversation took place nearly 8 years ago now. And what he said next still sticks with me and comes to mind on a regular basis. He said “Kelly, on the days that you feel you’re worth you should try to look your best. In doing so, you surround yourself in an air a professional appearance and confidence that reminds you that regardless of whatever you’re facing today you can make it through with Grace and decorum. And besides, you never know when a kind word from someone passing by my change your entire outlook on the day.”
I will always remember that conversation. And I hope that this story is a helpful reminder for any of you having a day where you are feeling less than enough, and you are just really wanting to feel appreciated.
Devine Perks 