How many times have you heard something along the lines of “You have so much potential”?
For the majority of my life, I have felt like the dumbest kid on the smart bus. Now I know the more well known phrase is “the smartest kid on the short bus” implying a high level of stupidity, but I am looking at it from a different perspective. I have rarely considered myself to be dumb. I have my moments, as do we all, but overall I would say that most of the time I am a fairly intelligent individual. However, I am often overcome by the sensation that the person who exists inside me is very different from the person other people see. I mean, it has to be, with the level of expectations that people see to have for me, right? They couldn’t possibly see me as I am and still expect more from me… As I have grown older, I wondered how these sensations would go. Would it change as I grew up? Would I continue to learn and become smarter and eventually stop feeling this way? Or will life continue to be a cycle of questioning how I keep finding myself in this state of mind?
When I was young I was part of a program called TAG, or the Talented and Gifted program our school system offered. At the time, it was for those of us who placed in a certain category of grades and classes. I had certain times during the week where I was pulled out with a group of classmates to attend this program. That group of students stayed relatively the same all through school, with most of us becoming good friends (probably due to the extra amount of time we spent with each other studying and taking special trips). When I was in middle school, I was no longer in TAG, but I stayed in the same friend group and started picking up music ensembles and sports to play. In high school, as was expected, I took advanced placement classes and college credit classes at our local university, and was able to take all my required high school classes and nearly all of my college pre-requirements before graduation. While I was still one of the “token smart kids” and one of the more well known academically focused kids in my school, I was not the top of my class. I was just hanging in there, due to the history of my study and social standing, paired with my ability to work hard and dedication to getting things done. College gave me a bit of a fresh start, considering I went four hours away to attend university, but as time went by I found the same sort of sensation still existed, like everyone else seemed to think more highly of me and my abilities than they should.
I remember hitting my breaking point my junior year as I was auditioning to change my major from music education to voice performance. After years of vocal training, and months of rehearsals and study, I remember person after person saying “You have so much potential.” At one point, in tears in my mentor’s office, I remember telling him “Well, maybe you should all expect less of me, and maybe then I would have a chance of reaching that potential!” To be striving so hard for something you want, working to fulfill the criteria, trying to meet every goal set (by yourself or others), to be feeling like you have done everything you could and given it all your effort, only to hear “you have so much potential”… well, that is just like a slap across the face telling you that everything you are is not enough. There are many awful feelings in the world, but one I dread the most is the feeling that I am letting someone down. When I can sense someone being disappointed in me, I am absolutely gutted. Confidence – Gone. Clarity of thought – Gone. Motivation – Gone. All of those combine into one nasty cocktail of self-doubt and loathing which is rarely beneficial to any party involved. However, the overachiever in me (again, who is constantly aware that people are watching and waiting to be disappointed) says “Stop moping and get back to it and start over Get back to being the best you can be” and so we start the cycle all over again, ad nauseum.
If you ask my parents, especially my father, they will tell you I have always had a way with words. I might not use the biggest most impressive words, but I have the ability to be able to strike up and carry on a conversation with just about anyone, in any walk of life. I can get people to open up to me about things they rarely speak out loud. I can make someone laugh on their worst day. I can write you the least passive aggressive email response possible while still conveying most of the ideas you’d send in a very passive aggressive message. I think my ability to connect with people, to put my thoughts out in an organized manner, and my dedication to all things important to me: I get assigned high expectations. And then I do everything in my power to achieve and meet those expectations. Inevitably, at some point I fail, either a little or by epic disaster. Therefore, I often find myself wishing I could act a little dumber, or be a little meaner, or learn how to say no. Because then maybe people would expect less of me. And then just maybe I wouldn’t feel like I am letting people down. Maybe I would stop feeling like my best might not be my best, or that even if it is, it isn’t enough.
However, while I cannot be more than what I am, I was not made to willingly be less than what I am either. I am a woman with many abilities. The ability to think for myself. To stand up for what is important. To love freely and laugh often. To never accept less than what I deserve. To support those in need, and to ask for support. To go through life with the determination and resilience of a warrior. To work hard and strive for improvement. To accept and to forgive. And most of all the ability to know (although sometimes its hard to remember) that I do not have to be everything all at once, and that momentary mistakes or struggles do not mean that I am a failure.
My invitation to you: remember to manage your expectations. Do not measure your expectations purely from your own experience, but rather manage them on the abilities of those you are applying to expectations to, with the realization that not every day is filled with the same strength, emotion, and mental capacity as others. You never know what the day may hold, and you cannot fairly expect things from others without having an idea of where they are at. Don’t add more to their plate and create a scenario that will set them up for failure. Be patient. Be kind. Be forgiving. Be helpful. Be calm. Be the best you can be in that moment, and then keep moving.
~ Kelly
Devine Perks 